hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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