Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
