Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
