You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
