saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I looked at my own cervix.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize