so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
