i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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