I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I had to cum in my sink.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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