Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
