Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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