I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
