Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
