He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
