I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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