I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
