Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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