Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
