So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
