I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
