Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
