What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just want to make out with him forever
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
