I've blown a few things in my day
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
