God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
