Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
