just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
