Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
3pm strippers are depressing
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
