It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
