Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
