he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize