So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
