This is not my ceiling
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
