I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
