You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just invented taco cereal.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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