Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
