I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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