god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
