Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
