There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
