Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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