I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
