see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
