I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
