Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish i was in the wii world.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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