I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
