My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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