my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
