You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize