I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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