Is it normal to miss your booty call?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
