hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
