Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
