My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
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She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
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These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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