I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
