i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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