She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Drunk is not a location!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
