so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
